The War That Created Hilarity
by The Good Thief
Summary: The Cooper Gang recruits a new on a trip to the middle east and hilarity ensues. WARNING: Not for the easily offeneded. Military humor.
1. Patton

A grey wolf sat at a table, he wore an olive drab green jacket with a white shirt underneath. His hair was black and went down the length of his neck. His green eyes were fixated on the camera on the desk before him.

A man sat at the desk opposite of the Wolf. He was a Doberman, he wore a white suit and smoked a cigar. He calmly placed his hands on the table and asked, "What do you know about a man named Sly Cooper?"

"Sly Cooper?" the wolf asked, "Well…"

* * *

**LONDON, UK**

**7:30 AM**

**JUNE, 9TH, 2003**

"Men, the Crown and the Country realize the growing threat in Afghanistan. You have volunteered to be the defenders of The United Kingdom and her allies which is exactly why you were chosen as the best pilots to fly in - Brown! What the hell are you grinning about!"

The drill sergeant stopped and faced the grey wolf grinning before him. He stooped down to his eye level and screamed in his face, "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOUR ABOUT TO ENTER WAR, YOU SAD SACK OF CRAP? WHAT IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH COULD YOU BE GRINNING ABOUT?

The wolf's smile wasn't fazed and he proudly said "The thought of serving my country SIR!"

The stork glared, "Get on the god damn plane and outta my sight."

The wolf and the rest of the recruits got into the transport plane and they started down the runway.

* * *

**SOMWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC**

**3:30 AM**

**JUNE, 10TH, 2003**

Apparently the wolf had crap luck and had to ride into Baghdad in an old prop job plane from World War II and it was going to pick up troops from America .The trip would take at least 2 days and the ride wasn't exactly smooth. The wolf woke up and felt nature call, he rubbed his eyes and walked to the back of the plane where the first bathroom was. He opened the door and found a male and a female thoroughly enjoying each others' company. He saw that the two were about to join The Mile High Club and quietly closed the door. Apparently the two were to caught up in each other to notice him. He resisted the urge to laugh his ass off at the randomness of it and opened the hatch to the cargo bay where the second bathroom was located. In the cargo bay he heard hushed voices talking. Thinking it was just a few other pilots he casually walked by. Then upon realizing that these weren't pilots he was met with a pink fist to the nose and the distinct taste of blood. The world darkened around him and he fell to the ground.

Waking up he saw a turtle wearing glasses looking at him. He had a disgusted look on his face.

"Penelope come here." He called over his shoulder. Seconds later a mouse was seen beside him, "Well great Murray. You broke his nose." she started to reach for his nose but she received some sharp comments that would land this story in the M category.

"If you struggle it'll only hurt worse." she grabbed his nose and jerked it to the left popping it back into place. He let out a sharp yell but it was quickly covered by the mouse's hand.

"We want to ask you a few questions." She said calmly. Seeing the wolf's displeasure she came to a resolve.

"Tell you what. You answer our questions we'll answer yours. The wolf felt more like getting out of the chair and socking everyone he saw in the mouth, but seeing as he was tied down in a chair he didn't have much of a choice.

"Fine."

"First off. Name, nationality, rank, branch, age, and clothes size."

"Clothes size?" he asked? He had a distinct British accent.

"Yes."

He sighed and began. "I'm Captain Cody Brown of the 37th Flying Assassins."

"So you're an assassin?" A pink hippo in the back asked, he assumed it was 'Murray'.

"Do you think the Blue Angels are indigo messengers of God? We're a Squadron in the RAF."

"Great. Age and size can come later." The Turtle continued.

"Bloody great. Now then, who the hell are you? What are you doing on this plane? And what do you want with me?"

"We're the Cooper Gang."

"Yeah and I'm The Walrus, Goo Goo Ka-freakin-jube."

The Mouse sighed and walked away, after some awkward silence she came back and a raccoon followed. He was lanky not quite as skinny as Cody ,who could pass as under-weight, but the raccoon was at least two inches taller.

"Sly Cooper?" Cody asked shocked that he was meeting the infamous thief. They were apparently telling the truth

"Yeah. Are you Cody Brown?"

"Yes."

"You know," Sly began, "I'm glad you came down here. You saved us the trip of having to go up there to get you."

"You still haven't answered my question." Cody started, "What do you want with me?"

"I read that you Harvard Med School. You graduated at the top of your class and you speak a variety of languages."

"Yeah."

"I also noticed you acted in high school?"

"Yeah, so?"

"We need an actor." Bentley said. "And a medic. Someone to go in behind enemy lines."

Cody thought. A life of true freedom. No barking orders or reports to fill out. No more hour long preflight checks over a machine that rarely got used, or having to fly one airplane. This was it. He could fly wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He could make his own plane how he wanted it, what guns he wanted on it, and what skimpy girl to paint on the side of it.

"Alright I'm in."

"Great!"

"One last question mate?"

"Yeah?" Sly asked.

"Can you untie me? I _really_ need to go to the bathroom."

* * *

**Yes it is I back from the dead. **

**Fans of me: I'm sad to say I deleted all my old stories. But let's face it. My stories were structurally sound as the Leaning Tower of Pisa.**

**Since my leave I've become a much better author and have thrown out Jane completely. Sorry.**

**Anyway read, review, flame, whatever**_**. **_


	2. Rommel

**SOMWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC**

**3:32 AM**

**JUNE, 10TH, 2003**

After reliveing himself and cleaning all the blood off Cody found himself standing in darkness. Pitch black couldn't even begin to the describe it. Suddenly light flooded the room and the tip of an airplane wing was merely inches away from his newly unbroken nose. That would have most likely hurt.

The wolf was dumb founded. Two planes, two F-16 fighter planes, stood before him, these two jets were the fastest, most maneuverable planes ever conceived. Cody was like a kid on Christmas. He checked it over, sat in the cockpit, got out, and checked it over again.

"Look at you! Your beautiful!" he said repeatedly kissing the plane up and down.

"Enjoying yourself?" a voice asked from behind. Cody turned around and tried to hide his embarrassment, kissing a plane doesn't scream manliness. Penelope helped Bentley into the other plane and got in the pilot's seat, then Sly got into the pilot's seat of the second plane and motioned for him to get in. Cody started but was pushed aside by Murray. "Pushed" made not be the best word for it, let's go with thrown across the cargo deck.

Cody blinked and got up, dusted himself off, and walked over to the plane. "Alright, that's fine. Just fine! I get it! You get two fully loaded pieces of death from above and decided to give the new guy a flying orange crate?" Cody searched around the deck. "Well where is it?"

Sly chuckled and threw a thumb back, "It's behind us."

Cody tilted his head to look beyond the nose and saw the "Orange Crate" he'd be flying. It was a jet, a very old jet. It was the first jet. A German Nazi Era Komet. It still had bullet holes in the windshield and there was blood still on the seat.

"This?" Cody asked, spinning the extremely small propeller, "You know this was worth it's weight in gold right? It barley got off the ground from what I read."

"History is written by the victors." Sly said his tone was serious and he looked at Cody with the eyes of a veteran soldier. "Get in."

"Your kidding me. Do we at least get call signs?"

"Yup. Penelope is codename Flygirl, Bent is The Wizard, Murray is Tough Guy, I'm Auto, and your Doctor Who."

"Just because I'm British?"

"No you're a doctor. What does that have to do with being British?"

Rather than explaining one of the longest running shows in history Cody just told Sly to never mind.

Cautiously Cody climbed into the seat and looked at the controls, he pressed the on button for the electronics, and the lights came on. The floor suddenly dropped and the planes rolled forward. "SLY! YOU CRAZY SON OF A BITCH!" Cody yelled as part of his plane dipped down and he rolled forward, gaining speed. He frantically pressed the ignition and pulled up on the stick with all his strength. They were gliding now. None of the planes were activating their afterburners. But Sly suddenly gunned the throttle and made one hell of a noise.

The radios crackled to life and the pilot called over sound of the engines. "Attention aircraft turn around, and land or we will be _forced _to shoot you down!"

Cody was about to turn around when Sly grabbed his radio and asked "You and what Air Force?"

"You asked for it." the pilot said. The cargo bay opened and nothing came out.

"That's what I thought!" mocked Penelope.

"You stole our planes!"

"And what cha gonna do about it?"

"I um… I'll… Uh… Crap. You know what, it's probably best if you guys just go on ahead."

* * *

INTERNATIONAL

The Komet flew. Damn fast actually, Cody broke the sound barrier ten minutes after flying away from the transport plane. The rest of the gang was getting left behind as they soared inland, breaking all kinds of regulations, international laws, and the sound barrier at below fifteen thousand feet.

Slowly the rolling green forest faded away into sands and the desert enveloped them. Cody was flying formation behind the other planes and slowly getting bored. He always played music when he got bored so he scanned the radio. Nothing but music in Arab. Cody switched back to the squadron frequency.

"Say Cody," Murray said, curious as always, "How come you speak like a million languages?"

Cody picked up the mike from it's resting spot. "My mum."

"Oh. Well why'd you go to med school?"

"My mum." Cody answered calmly.

"Oh. Why'd you join acting classes in high school?"

"My mum."

"Oh. Why'd you join the RAF?"

"Let me guess." Bentley interrupted, "My mum."

"Nope." Cody retorted. "My dad. He was a pilot, his father was a pilot and his father was pilot."

"And your great granddad was one of the pioneering pilots of World War I?" Sly asked, this conversation was right up Sly's alley.

"No. He shoveled shit in Liverpool."

"Oh!" Murray said laughing, "So why'd you do all that for your mom?"

"Because she's a control freak who kept me locked in my room half my life. Then, out of fear, I did everything she told me to do, and everything everyone else told me to. Side effects of childhood trauma I suppose. Anywho. I turned 20, walked out of my graduating class, threw away my robes in a London alley and walked into a recruiting station. I joined up and got as faraway from that bitch as I could. And here you see me today."

"Locked in your room for half your life?" Penelope chimed in, "How'd you keep from going crazy?"

"I found an old record player under my bed, and a record collection in the closet, mostly sixties. In fact I owe The Who for my new found freedom. They inspired me to rebel and join up."

"Where was dear old dad in all this?" Sly asked.

"Dead. Died in combat." Cody said. His voice grew sad.

"I'm sorry."

"Think nothing of it mate." Cody said. "We airmen are no strangers to death. We never see our enemies die. We only see the death of our friends."

"Must be depressing."

"Nah, I'm optimistic. Not much sense to be anything else." Cody replied, "My squadron and I would always make fun of the enemy and crack jokes while on base. Keeps your mind off the war."

"Yeah? Like?" Murray asked.

"Well the people in the air force are the smartest in the world." Cody started. "Army bloke wakes up, has time enough to shave and get a shower, walks onto base, and his Sarge tells him, GO GET EM MEN! Navy bloke wakes up, makes his bed, showers and shaves, gets on the deck and his admiral tells him, GO GET EM SAILORS! Air Force bloke wakes up at noon, goes to pick up his uniform from the dry cleaners, goes to a diner, orders himself an omlet, walks onto base, chooses his plane, waits for freeflight prep and says GO GET EM CAPTAIN!"

"Alright, I could top that." Sly said "So two old Jewish guys find out that Bin Laden was going to be on a street corner in Berlin at noon the next day. So the men get a few guns, stake out a spot across the street, and they wait. At 11:55 they're ready! Five past noon comes and goes and no Bin Laden. Twelve thirty comes and goes still no Bin Laden. One o'clock strikes and one guy turns to the other and says, 'Gee I hope he's alright."

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

Ahmed and Haddeem were terrorists. Turbins, AK-47s, live in a cave, bloodshot eyes from staying up at night in fear of Gorge Busch, the whole nine kilometers. They hated America through and through. They may have been only lowly radio scanners, but they hoped one day that thier beloved leader would give them a promotion. Haddeem was always scanning the airways for infedel squadron messages and Ahmed watched American Television to see if it showed any signs of anything that could be used as an excuse to an attack.

"Bin Laden is going to be on the cornor of **BZZT! **at noon.** BZZT!** Jewish guys are going to gather some weapons and kill him."

"Ahmed! This is our big chance! Now we won't halve to wacth infedel movies in this damn cave anymore!" Haddeem said throwing his hands in the air.

"Aww, but Megan Fox is really hot!"

"Trust me, after this you'll be sleeping with Megan Fox. Now give me the phone."

Ahmed got out from in front of the TV where the stupid Americans were broadcasting a movie about alien robots crash landing on earth, picked the phone off the receiver and handed it to his fellow terrorist.

"Yes sir they know. Yes I know they know. They are going to kill our leader. A promotion? Yes thank you sir." Haddeem jumped up and down in victory. "Ahmed we're bombers! Finally we actually do somthing that matters! Come on let's go get the supplies!"

"But, Megatron's about to die! Wait no! Get your hands off of me!" But Haddeem grabbed Ahmed by the leg and dragged him out of the cave and into the decreped sadan. "Wait, Haddeem The Colbert Report is coming on! I'm going to miss TMZ!"

_"Shut up!" _

* * *

**Another chapter done folks. Read & Review. I salute to all the vetrens. OOAH!**


	3. De Ghaul

**Caution: This chapter may have content not suitible for children. But hey, that's why we read it.**

* * *

Haddeem strode down the Baghdad Bazar ingnoring the many salesmen trying to get his attention. Ahmed dragged his feet behind him knowing he was losing out on perfectly good "Spying" time."Come on Haddeem, if we go now we can catch The Daily Show!"

"We'll go home as soon as I get the supplies I promise we'll go back to the cave." Haddeem said moving through the bazar. He suddenly felt five pounds lighter and checked himself. He was missing his AK-47, and his saber.

"GOD DAMMIT!" Haddeem suddenly found himself looking down the barrels of many firearms, there was even a crossbow! On fire!

"Oh! I mean... Allah dammit!"_ (The Good Thief has nothing against the Islamic faith or anyone in the Middle East. Unless you're a terrorist. In that case you can kiss the fattest part of my Allied Ass!)_the guns were brought down and everyone went about their business. Ahmed and Haddeemstrode up to a stall where a gorilla stood smoking a cigar. Below him on a table sat brick upon brick of C-4 Plastic Explosive. The stall had candles and inscence burning evrywhere and was supported by barrels marked _BP PETROLEUM_. The gorilla inhaled deeply on his death stick and blew a ring of smoke into the two cyote's faces.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Yes you can." Haddeem chirped, "I'd like three pounds of Blasting Clay, a detonator, some ammo, and one of those sabers in the back."

After putting all of those items in a bag and handing them to Haddeem the gorrilla named his price, "That'll be three American dollars."

"Three? That's a bit steep. You will give it to us for one fifty." The Gorilla aimed a very large revolver at Haddeem's face. "Right! Three Dollars." Haddeem hand over his wallet.

"Would you like to sign up for a member's card?" he asked blowing a smoke ring intoi the air.

"No thank you." Once again he found himself staring down the barell of a loaded weapon.

"Ahmed give me your wallet."

Haddeem was given a little sliver of cardboard with his name scratched on it.

"Those'll kill ya." Ahmed said, watching as the gorilla took out another cigar. He cocked his revolver and the two quickly went away. They were once again walking down the street to thier car. A Pacer covered in rust and peeling paint. The interior was a bright yellow plush that could have once belong to Big Bird, and the steering wheel was a rusted chain. Haddeem had just finished picking the lock again when a large firery explosion erruppted behind them. Being terrorists, they took no mind to it until a metal box full of American cash landed on the roof.

"I love this city." Haddeem said, picking up the box and putting it into the sedan.

* * *

Cody sat in front of the radio, as was his usual routine every morning. Get up, take a shower, and put a record on while enjoying his black coffee. By chance there happened to be a small vinyl collection. Forigner, Chicago, Ozzy Osbourne, and Prince. Cody put on Crazy Train and started banging his head. ...As was his morning routine. He stopped when he heard Sly start playing the record backwards.

_"ahahahahah draoba lla!"_

"What do you think Ozzy's tring to say right there?" Sly asked. Cody then noticed the rest of the gang was also in the room. Wether they were there before, or they snuck in was a mystery. Such is the disadvantages of living with a group of thieves.

"Absolutley nothing. The Blizzard was always clear with his messages, but wrap your mind around this." He took out the Chicago Album and put on _"Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?" _

"Oh, I love this song." Penelope said and she began singing along to it.

"Now listen." Cody said, then he bagan playing it backwards.

"BY THE POWER OF SATAN I COMMAND YOU TO SPREAD THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT!" after that the room fell silent and everyone turned whiter than Edward "McSparklePants."

(_If you want my true opinion of The Twilight Series please send me a message. If you are a Twilight Fan, I reccomend appliying blunt force trauma to your forehead, and picking up a real book such as: 1984, The GodFather, or anything by Stephen King.)_

* * *

After all that and an exorcisim. The gang sat in the projector room around a large table. Bentley stood at the ready with a pointer and a yellow highlighter.

"Ok gang, We've recently noticed Allied morale going way down. "It showed a picture of a dog in combat fatigues on top of a stool about to hang himself. Then the next slide showed him kicking the stool away and officers rushing in. Then a picture of the dog with his arms crossed as the officers held him up, then him holding up protest signs... then getting attacked by officers again.

"As you can see the Allies don't want that happening. So we were asked to highten morale the best way we can. By making the terrorists look like idiots." Bentley continued to the next slide, of a very old man, sitting at a desk. "This is Ahbul Shamla Da. No, that really is his real name. He has in his possesion nuclear warheads, has threatened to destroy a major city every hour if the United Nations do not pay his ransom."

"What is the ransom?" Sly asked, "One million dollars? Allied withdrawl from the Holy Land? American fame and-"

"One hundered billion dollars and a life time supply of Viagra." Bently stated bluntly. Everyone but Bently and Cody laughed. Cody knew from experience that terrorists can ask for some stupid things. "We have till the end of the week to find him, and foil his plot. So today we need to go and make some "friends" in the enemy.

* * *

**FACTS OF THE CHAPTER:**

**Terrorists have asked for ransoms in Viagra. Really.**

**One million dollars is nothing anymore. The United Nations would pay that in a second.**

**The Godfather was a book before the movies.**

**1984 is a book about a man living in a utopian world in which the goverment controlls, moniters, and oppresses any small sliver of intellegance or uprising. Room 101 is a place within the book where the worst thing in the world is. **

**Chicago never really had any sublimnal messages in any of their music. In fact that whole gag was taken from the movie Little Nicky.**

**Ozzy is also kmow as The Blizzard. What for I have no clue.**

**The backwards lyrics are "All Aboard! AHAHAHAH!"**

**Edward McSparklepants is actually Edward Cullen. That book series made me unafraid of Vampires and Werewolves forever. Who does Bella choose? I don't care!**


End file.
